When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going!
The last two days have been an exercise in the living from the inside out, instead of from the outside in. There is this video I am making myself watch every day, and each time, I get something more out of it. It deeply resonates with me. click here to see it
Do You Like Her?
Someone asked me this about my ex’s serious live-in partner. A woman of God asked me this, someone who prays with her husband every day for her children, a mother of a girl on my son’s basketball team.
I had just been seated next to the couple–my baby daddy and his love–who is pleasant and kind to me always…
But they had been just riding our son all day during the practice, tearing apart his body mechanics, his eating style (he eats his favorite thing first all the way and saves the least liked for the end), and his method of not really talking like most kids his age.
I had the feeling that she was feeling superior, ‘adult’ and a little more ‘involved’ in his upbringing than most people as the ‘step’ would be.
I kept silent.
But when the question was asked me by my friend, in private, I took pause.
My answer was simply, ‘no’.
I was surprised that was my true feeling.
I explained how I am disappointed in her closed heart, and her inability to make sure Anthony eats while his dad is sleeping in until noon and she breezes off to work at eight thirty in the morning on Sundays.
Anthony deserves MORE.
So I love her, and I respect her. But deep in my heart, do I ‘like’ her? My feeling is one of let down, and disappointment, and I don’t like that feeling at all.
My heart says, ‘not really’.
And I accept this. I surprised myself.
Sometimes we need to look deep within, without judgement, to see how we really feel.
Feelings are important. How we act on them is another thing. But it’s always nice to know where you stand in your heart about all things, not only this.
And in the future, it can change–it’s never set in stone, anyhow. It’s based on the situation, the vibration, and the energies involved.
How Old Are You?
After his game was torn apart by his dad and his lady, Anthony had no clue and was changing out of his basketball shoes on the bench.
A coach came up and said, ‘I am Dom. I coach 12-14 year olds. My kids are older, but I love this age and I still coach. You have TALENT! You have ‘court awareness’. Don’t let your weight slow you down, just run around on the court more, and you’ll slim down enough to play your best game. I’m looking forward to coaching you!’
I was so thrilled!
Anthony has TALENT! And it was noticed! By those who count.
Today, he had two games. And I saw him seated at the points table next to the head of the league between games. He was doing the scoreboard. I smiled and asked, ‘are you putting him to work?’
He was invited to play travel league!
I’m so glad he was noticed for his skills.
Ross went with me. He actually helped me by having me drive PCH all the way to see her, and I stopped at the Chakra Shack to buy her some stones to help her feel better.
This was a HUGE visit.
He was with me the whole time.
Mom cancelled her cataract surgery a week ago Monday. On Friday she was sick and lying in bed, and not eating. My youngest sister saw and was worried. That night she was admitted to the hospital for infection.
On Sunday she was released. We were at a wedding for my cousin’s daughter. A neighbor took her home.
The diarrhea started soon after. Again we three girls were concerned. She has a history of clostridium difficile colitis. She is very independent but not exactly making the best decisions for her own health. She was hiding it from us because she didn’t want to go to the hospital again.
To her, it is needles and ‘a lesson in humility’ that she hates.
Something snapped in all three of us girls. We are working together as a team. But I put it ‘out there’ that I am finished being ‘the doctor’ and I am going to be ‘the daughter’ instead. My sisters completely understand.
I made the choice, not from guilt, but from within, to go and see mom today. To spend time with her.
I didn’t want to go.
Inside is a scared girl who has been abused emotionally by her mom her whole life.
I would come home from being an attending anesthesiologist doing heart cases, only to have her–she was being paid, too–shove Anthony in my arms, say something like, ‘no wonder why doctors wives feel so unloved!’, and pick up the phone and call my sister, ignoring me.
Just this Monday, I was chastised for telling the family at the wedding she was healthy enough to be released from the hospital.
Even though now, she words things as ‘will you do me a favor?’–it’s still the same anger and wanting to control and have everything her way as when I was little.
And the emotional shock and pain still hurts just the way it always did.
I am her Lesson.
She hasn’t made much progress.
I was sent to her to help her learn.
Today Ross worked with me to keep my ‘high heart’ vibration very high. I got it just right on the drive to mom, and I was able to be patient, and maintain it the whole visit, draining as it was.
The whole world revolves around my mother. She is an expert at living from the outside ‘in’.
Divine Father today explained to me, on the drive home, that when people live from the inside out, the aging process is easier because they live in a constant state of loving acceptance and gratitude in the Now. When people live from the outside in, then they aren’t really ‘present’ in the Here and Now–it’s in their mind–and it starts to play tricks on them because the ‘identity’ they have always ‘presented to the world’ is starting to be different from what really ‘is’. And they are unhappy.
I arrived and there were the compliments. Today it was, ‘grey is a nice color for you’.
I was glad I didn’t get any lecture on being fat or not wearing makeup. Dodged that one.
Then was the chit chat. I’m not big on that. I never have been. But I spoke slowly and clearly so she could read my lips, because in the hospital her hearing declines and takes a few weeks to recover.
My many offers to help and do things were met with ‘no, no, no!’ but I am persistent. I got her permission to dump the trash and fold the clothes that were in the dryer.
It’s all about control.
You can imagine the mental and spiritual strength it took to have idle conversations with a woman who is as white as a ghost, ghastly color, who is dehydrated and refuses to drink. She took not one sip the whole three hours I was with her. And my sister had encouraged her to drink before she left for work! I know the clock is running out for the transplanted kidney, because she won’t drink, and she’s dry. I see the dark urine in the stoma bag.
But mom wants to talk. Actually, mom wants someone to listen to her ‘being charming’. So I did.
Later, she invited me to help her buy some items she needed. We go on Amazon together. Only this time, I let her think it was her credit card, but it wasn’t. It was mine. Hers had expired. And Ross told me I will never, ever regret buying these things she needs for her.
I bought us some Taco Bell too, at her request. She wanted a tostada and two chicken soft tacos.
My sister came home. We all three talked. And mom gave me some fruit a friend had given her. Persimmons to take home. Then I excused myself to go.
Mom came to show us her new hat my sister had bought for her. It was a fedora. She thought it was really cool, and it was ‘her’.
Today was a goodbye of sorts.
It was a letting go of my need to jump in and save mom from herself. It was a goodbye to the mom I knew, who took care of me. It was a goodbye to my being able to really share my heart like I always wanted to do, but somehow, it never seemed right.
I realized she gave me my body, and nourished it, and saw to it I could grow.
As a parent gets older, you realize they aren’t going to live forever.
So I will cherish the time I get, accept and forgive what happened, hold my vibration UP in my high heart, and be glad Ross is coaching me.
I will miss her and her unconventional ways.
On the ride home, I was given a memory, of my seventh birthday. I still recall the dress, orange and fuchsia sundress, the friends at the miniature golf course, and the crown of flowers my cousin Donna made for me. At that moment, I felt LOVED like I never have felt, before or since, and I owe it all to mom for making it happen.
This is the memory I will go to, in the times ahead, between now…then her either getting sicker or better…and whatever time is left until she goes back Home.
Lissa Rankin and I have a similar relationship as my mom and me.
I admired her and posted about her after I saw her first Ted Talk. I can’t even find it, but I had a whole blog post just about her, the OB-Gyn, who said, ‘it’s harsh and brutal so I quit’.
I followed her on FB.
Never once did she respond to my kind words.
Never once did she acknowledge me.
Today she posted this article: http://www.dailygood.org/story/136/how-doctors-die-ken-murray/
She says she feels that way. That most people in the hospital do.
I felt the article was very slanted, and furthermore, could be used to spark a movement for euthanasia, which would save healthcare payers a whole lot of money. I’ve seen just as many people LIVE after being poked and prodded in ICU. So I don’t take a stand.
But I paused, and thought, how can I raise the vibration of this to one that is Galactic, with Love and Gratitude instead of the energy of Separation, with this Lissa Rankin and her thoughts?
I came up with this: