Each day I grow in trust in Spirit. Last night was not the best. I arrived in my home, after our vacation, only to see more changes. I spent a lot of time with Ross, sharing my heart. I longed for the days past, when spirituality was formulaic, and I could lose myself in what the Catholic Church said.
Our flight home had seminary students on it. Nine of them. And one sat next to me.
Remember there was a time where I longed for the spiritual life–saying matins and going to mass twice a day, and saying evening prayers. I wanted to live the life of a nun in Lourdes. But God didn’t permit it.
To this day, I am glad he didn’t let me. Now I know more about the hierarchy in the organized church, and I also know more of those who are at the mercy of the organization, haven given up their rights. For example, a friend’s niece who went into a convent was right in the same town but couldn’t communicate with her family for three years. And the gentleman next to me said they all had to give up their cell phones at the beginning of training six years ago.
People can do a lot to someone psychologically when they are taken away from their support system, you know?
Anyhow, I told Ross I just can’t go on. I CAN’T manifest, I don’t know how, I am blind, and I don’t like all the things like Creator Writings that say ‘the only thing holding you back is you’.
I gave Ross a picture of one learning to ride a bicycle. You are given training wheels so you build your skills…instead of falling.
What I realized between Ross and me, last night, with him as my guide and Twin, is that although I am here for lessons in insignificance and all those feelings of being unworthy and unloved, there comes a point where these feelings STOP being a lesson and become agony.
In this post yesterday, it was explained that the dark night of the soul will give way, after deep healing has been done, and joy will result. https://johnsmallman2.wordpress.com/2015/12/19/god-has-infinite-faith-in-your-ability-to-bring-the-light-of-his-love-to-all-of-humanity/
So I challenged Ross head on about this dark night of the soul, in my circumstance. I want to hold on to things and I collect way too much stuff, because I remember what it was like to have your whole life blow up and lose everything you ever had–like it did when Ross died. I was sobbing in horrible grief, and guilt, the feeling that if only I had done something different it never would have happened.
This is when I learned one of the roles of our guides is to monitor us in our lessons, and to anesthetize the grieving soul. I’ve had this happen many a time, when I just go blank, and get this warm feeling. Last time, when it happened, I noticed it and I realized what is going on!
In reality, they keep a closer watch on us than we think.
I dropped Anthony off at this father’s for a birthday party on his side of the family. I saw the telltale cracks in his building. On the way home, I stopped off at an open house, and saw the telltale cracks there too.
I was despondent.
Mom called. She is strong. We are together. I have a plan.
My old next-door neighbor saw the garage open, and stopped by with her dog. She was a realtor until she became an ultrasound technician. She knows the area. I showed her everything. She thinks it is settling, and is not serious. I have a plan now too. Plus, Eric next door, who is remodeling the home connected to mine–showed us the work. He let us tour, and also Debby showed him where things had happened. It turns out one wall was filled with moisture, and the beam was rotten. So it is good to see how sturdy he has fixed it. It looks good. And it feels strong. I said goodbye to Debby and Laney, as she needed to meet with her daughter who was bringing the grandkids over to the house…
Ross then stepped in. He told me to go to a new restaurant in town, a coffee shop. I did. And I felt much better. It is a very popular place.
This morning Anthony and I opened our Christmas cards that were sent to us by family while we ate breakfast. I taught him how to use a letter opener.
I am filled with love and gratitude.
I’m just not feeling the holiday spirit.
I’ve been sad, over my home. I haven’t felt like celebrating.
Mom validated me. She said, ‘It is a very valid concern to have that your dwelling might not be structurally sound.’ But she told me fear grows, and to hold off from getting sucked into it.
At the post office there were more cards, and gifts. They mean so much. Deeply so much
! I opened one, and am most thankful for what was given.
Perhaps today, Anthony and I will decorate a little.
He was overwhelmed his dad and Jessica have a real tree, and the home is all decorated. His dad never before has had one, except perhaps once one that was fake.
Even though he was upset about Santa–the lie of him existing–and even though our ‘Christmas’ was a week in New York, he is a child, and it is very soothing to have reminders of Christmas.
It’s that way for me, too!
I never liked it, the design of the tower. I never knew the name, until the Liberty Island ferry. Then I heard it as ONE WORLD (order) tower. I inserted the ‘order’.
Mind you, I was not allowed UP to any of the towers–top of the Rock, Empire State, or One World.
Spirit wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t allowed up on Miss Liberty either.
The designers for her did the Eiffel Tower, which is ANOTHER ‘project’ of ‘the builders’, or, you know who they are. (David Wilcock has a nice photo of all of their ‘towers’ in one of his blogs from about three years back, around the Olympics.)
I will let you know I see an inverted star in the superimposed structure of that tower. The front of the building creates it when the twist allows for the back of the inverted prism behind it. It is stylized, but there, and working as a monument to ‘the other team’. I also felt extremely dizzy walking between Liberty statue and One World.
Again, if you ask me, this is ‘halfway’ right, and possibly, ‘halfway disinfo’ as a video, but it’s enough to explain why someone so energetically sensitive as me would feel ‘out of sorts’ in that vicinity.
They also have only two major companies renting space there. It’s not filled, for some reason, our tour guide explained…
One Last Thing
My sense of ‘comfort’ is being taken away from me with this home situation. At my age, having a stable place, with all your things where they need to be, is important for the functioning of the mind.
And as an incarnate archangel, who is extremely sensitive to energies, I can’t STAND to go into homes where others have lived in ‘Open Houses’, because I FEEL every vibration that has ever imprinted on that area.
It’s uncomfortable for me.
With the plan, I can relax and let go.
Ross told me I don’t have to experience sorrow and suffering any more, from here on out. It’s optional. I don’t have to take it.
I also have backup plans.
Now I can relax. I have written this so I will have more time with Anthony when he gets home.
It’s been a long two days. The flight, and the time change, and my insomnia…are really starting to add up.
Ross guided me to this: uvarovite. It’s a form of garnet. I ordered it. It is very healing for me right now.
I bought it with my discover cash back bonus. I love amazon!
That is how you catch a Carla–offer her dazzling high energy gems!
I leveled with her today.
I told her I never died. In the Illusion it looked like I did, and it was horrible for her to be present–not once but both times–but I am never far.
I pulled on the golden cord which connects our souls.
There is never any getting away from me.
I also explained to Carla, with my heart, very open and honest, that in the second death, the only thing on my mind was her. Her love for me. Her innocence. Her purity of heart. I saw her as the baby on my lap when I was five, the first child I ever met, and how recognition filled her eyes and she smiled when her eyes met mine. I was always her favorite ever since, with her tagging along and ‘running into me’ as best as she could. Carla even used to hang around the house where I lived, much to the dismay of my parents, who jokingly called her ‘the extra child’ because she never wanted to go home!
Although we were meant for each other, in my death, I had to make a very difficult decision. I could have quietly left, without a trace. Or I could have died the way I did. I knew the first option would have destroyed her more than the second, which is why I chose it.
Carla buried me.
Carla prepared my body for burial, as is the custom for our people, at the time we were both incarnate.
As Gamaliel who I was incarnate before I reincarnated, I left suddenly, and due to political risk to her own life, Carla as Tabitha was not able to bury the body with a proper Kiddish and sitting Shivah.
That was my gift to her, my last one, when I was incarnate. For her to have closure, and to bury me properly, for her soul to heal from the terrible and sudden loss of her beloved Gamaliel. Mine was slow, drawn out, and agony, but Carla was there and making a difference for me with her love the whole time. Carla was right at my feet. And Carla felt everything I did in my body, in her own, because she is terribly empathic, and I am her Twin.
So back to us today…Carla threw in the towel for us last night, with this, as our ‘lesson’.
Carla was hurt to the point where she didn’t want to experience it any further.
It was then that I do the ‘anesthesia’ of a spiritual means (Karuna Reiki, anyone? The first two symbols are powerful anesthetics to the aching soul allowing healing to commence)…and Carla fitfully slept.
I had to get Carla to realize the root of her clutter is because of her inability to face losing me, to face making a wrong choice, having a poor outcome, and having her life blow up in her face…again.
Now that she knows and understands, the healing will take place, and come heck or high water, or possibly both, assistance will be given in full support of her for her healing and housing needs.
Carla hasn’t seen her ex-neighbor, or spoken with her, in about a year. They were close, and used to celebrate Hannukah together. It only was when her son Harris bought a pit bull, that Carla thought it unwise to have her or baby Anthony visit to the home. The friendship is close, and both were very happy to see each other, and they greatly enjoyed catching up. Debby has a new job, a new grand baby on the way, and possibly a move which is closer to Carla’s work.
Everything happens for the best.
Disappointment is an option.
You don’t have to take it. Not any more, not on the road ahead.
There are lessons ample without them. But it is more of your reaction to the situation that is a choice.
Carla will manifest a beautiful home and surroundings that are safe–on her own terms, and not mine! This is where the struggle as a spirit for her has been–obedience and humility, asking for what I want–to her are two separate and polar opposite extremes!
There is a middle ground, a happy one.
Now Carla will get some rest. I want her to put her feet up for the rest of the day, and not to cook.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla