I did give up.
I TOTALLY did.
Yesterday I confessed to a friend that I couldn’t manifest my way out of a box if I had to do so to save my life.
I’m totally overwhelmed and exhausted as a soul.
I manifested a grapefruit for my breakfast yesterday and today, I said. ‘That’s about my speed!’
And I laughed.
I laughed because I wanted to cry and I couldn’t.
I don’t think Divine Father understands I am way beyond ‘what is that one thing holding you back?’…I just want to curl up and be silent and still for a long, long, very long time–if I listen to my soul.
It’s all the incarnations again and again where I have been beaten down and beaten down and beaten down…I just learned to shut up in the ‘wish’ department.
I realize some of my ‘dreams’ are more like a laundry list of what current tortures I want removed from my existence: I want to sleep in my bed every night, I want to be home more with my son, I want not to worry so much about forms and legal stuff with my home and moving.
That’s not dreaming.
Like I said again and again in this blog, ‘my dreamer is BROKEN!’…
And I don’t even know where to begin.
Yesterday I went WAY outside my comfort zone to ask for a favor of my boss. There is a fundraiser this morning, and Anthony will play the drums in the band.
I asked to please go and see it.
It’s only fifteen minutes. I need to be at work at seven thirty, and I needed one hour delay.
I got it!
It’s not going to be easy, I have to really hurry, but I am going to be THERE for the first time in about four concerts/performances (his teacher used to not give much advance notice for these things)…
So perhaps now my ‘list’ is one concert plus one grapefruit.
Memories of Ross’ Death
Last night falling asleep was especially difficult for us both.
I told Ross I just wished in our lifetime together, I could have seen his face MORE; I wished I had been given more time just to look at him, to be with him, just to know he is there.
He had never realized that’s why I always followed him as a child. We both saw the ‘movie’ of how I followed him around like a puppy (he was five years older than me in our village)…and as we were married…I still would get that happiness from looking upon his face and sneak looks from across the house those rare times when he was home with our family.
Ross broke down and cried.
He never realized that was why I loved him so.
It was in the eyes.
I remembered his soul from the past two incarnations before. I couldn’t get enough of it.
Then out of the blue, he flashed me an image of his face as he was dying, in that incarnation we both most recently lived.
It was beaten to a pulp and almost unrecognizable.
I recoiled in horror at the quick flash through my consciousness!
Calm and steady, Ross asked me how that image made me feel?
Horror. Powerlessness. Agony (I’m an empath).
The day before I had meditated on his death, and asked for Divine Intervention. I asked for everyone who ever jeered at him, or taunted him, or had ideas for him to be hurt, to be raised up about three feet from the ground in a little bubble, and to stay there inside, floating. They were all trying to go somewhere and they couldn’t. They were like floating on an invisible river and couldn’t move!
I asked spirit for those who felt remorse to be taken away, and rehabilitated, for they were sick.
And the other?
To have their bubbles fill up with their own wastes to give them time to ‘think about it’.
Ross had admired my creativity.
I think as a soul, mine has been through the wringer. And as a guide, Ross has his hands full with my creative ideas to protect him, my complete inability to understand how his awful death has a connection to anything, and my horror and pain that are always just under the surface for having been there with him through the experience in the Illusion of his death.
I think he’s trying to get a ‘read’ on me. And right now as I write these words, I am surprised but it makes sense if I think about it, that I have a lot of rage buried deep in me somewhere…over his death, the apparent loss of my twin, and the total and complete destruction of what would have been a good life had he stayed home and not traveled.
I give up.
At this point, it’s all Illusion, and I have amnesia, and no matter how much I read the esoteric books, I still don’t get it how Ross is important in the grand scheme of things, how what he did was ‘right’, and how it could have happened in the first place.
So I don’t judge.
There are lots of people who think his death in some way helps them.
They outnumber me.
And for all I know, his death might have helped me too in some way spiritual.
The only gift is our last goodbyes would have been sometime this morning. Last night I was given the gift to relive it.
It was meaningful.
Then at some point he left the house, and walked to his death, with me following him every step of the way.
He wasn’t afraid to die.
I don’t think he had any clue just how horrible it would be.
And I told him, in no uncertain terms, that NOW my soul has not only the skills to resuscitate and intubate someone as mortally wounded as him–but I have the ability to make one pain free no matter what–and I mean it! My eyes flashed to him a determination and will to ease suffering–LOL–even if I am the one who suffers by missing meals and family time and sleep…
It startled him to see just how deep his wounds are on MY soul, from witnessing it. And what lengths I would go to ‘undo’ and ‘make it right’ in the way my heart of hearts found a way to do.
The Book of Enoch
I’m more than halfway through his keys. This book makes engineering textbooks seem like a romance novel in comparison. It is the driest, most difficult read I have encountered in a long time, and I am slogging my way through it.
It talks about the Lucifur Rebellion–which is how these symbols which I think of as ‘owned’ by that sect–are actually ones that were taken from the ‘good guys’ and misused…but I’m waiting till the end before I buy into the whole Keys as far as them being something I think is from ‘my team’–Creator of All That Is, the ultimate source of nurturing, warmth, love and compassion.
I just don’t get a good feel for Orion.
And someone challenged me as they are FROM the Orion Belt…
I don’t know.
It’s very Orion-like TO call someone on something and challenge them. To a Sirian hybrid soul like mine (I’m part Pleiadian too, like Ross)–conflict sucks!
Here’s a nice YouTube a friend shared with me. I’ve seen it a while ago. But it explains why I don’t like cats–in addition to having been a former kitten in my immediate past life, and when I looked in the mirror in that life, my face was like a cat due to the brainwashing/Monarch programming I had endured as a child.
Carla gave up.
In a matter of words.
You can see by her actions that in reality, she didn’t.
She marches to her own drum. (and not to Anthony’s –pun intended!–he laughs).
After all these lifetimes and incarnations, she STILL honors me by practicing her profession as an anesthesiologist, and giving my voice opportunity to speak, through her spiritual work and skill as a medium which I appreciate on THIS side here where I am so much.
I love you.
Carla I absolutely, positively love you.
And I love you more each day.
I never knew how you felt about me, at the end. We had our troubles, our conflicts, and we had grown apart.
I thought on some level perhaps you might have been better off without me to complicate your life.
I always knew you deserved better, deserved MORE.
I did my best to go out to the world with my education, and to share it, to bring hope and to inspire…but I never really thought about the price I had to pay, with our happiness.
As you know, and as I comfort you and guide, I have changed and you will be the first to admit it.
I have done my part, for saving the world.
Now is my time for my heart to focus on undoing the damage that has been caused, and giving reparation, restoration, and gentle sweet love to comfort you.
This is why your dreams are shattered and they cannot manifest.
A soul in this condition has no way out. It must be led by the hand to safety, and to Light.
I know you love Divine Father more than I can admit–I want you to share what you told him last night, right before you fell asleep Carla. Tell us now.
C: I told him that if I couldn’t love him the way I do know (once the amnesia is gone)–from my heart, totally like a trusting child, with no guile or sophistication as a soul whatsoever, just with happiness and joy as natural as breathing–I told him if after I wake up I couldn’t love him like I do now then I would never want to wake up EVER! Loving Him and loving Divine Mother is all I am, and I could never change it in any way.
I also told him to never forget how much I love him. I made a drawing with crayons and put it up on the wall over his desk.
The reason I told him never to forget is because I know full well with this horrible amnesia as a soul, I MIGHT forget. And I wanted to make sure HE remembers it for the both of us, how beautiful and pure my love is for him, and how much it means to me to help me to survive…in this painful existence, this nightmare, that I don’t know how I got stuck in as a soul in the first place, but I can’t seem to get out.
R: Carla, that is enough. Thank you. I rest my case.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple